[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[FATHER SIGHS]
[EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE]
[UTENSILS CLATTERING]
Honey, it's family hour,
there must be something on.
DAUGHTER: Oh, wow, Candy Critters!
[FATHER EXCLAIMS]
Oh, great. It's Monsters, our favorite show!
[MONSTROUS LAUGH]
Shh, it's starting.
[MONSTROUS LAUGH]
[FATHER CHUCKLES]
[WOMAN SINGING LULLABY]
* Go to sleep now and rest
* Go to sleep little Eric
* Go to sleep little baby
* Mummy's tired, go to sleep
* Go to sleep
You'll... [GROANING] Stop it Wendy.
This is motherhood.
Get used to it.
Day 97, Wendy still held hostage.
I'm through. The singing dog is tired.
[ERIC CRYING] Eric, listen to Mommy.
You're supposed to sleep.
You're supposed to spend two-thirds of my life, asleep.
It says so right here.
Remember honey,
we read this together last night just after the national anthem came on.
[ERIC WHIMPERING]
This isn't fair, Eric. This isn't what I expected.
If you were a microwave I could take you back.
[LOUD CRYING]
No, honey, it's okay. It's just...
close your eyes and think happy thoughts, like...
sunshine and blue skies,
little birdie singing
Adoption. Why not?
If we do it now, we'll both forget about it
and we can black it out like it never happened.
[LOUD CRYING]
Honey, it's just an option.
Come on Eric, happy thoughts like
like sleep.
Sleep is so good.
Come on honey, do like Mommy.
Just close your eyes.
It's so easy to...
go to sleep.
[DOOR CLOSING] [GASPING]
Eric?
[WHISPERING] He's asleep. Yes!
Yeah, okay.
Come on, into the crib.
That's a good boy.
Come on.
[WHISTLING]
[WHISPERING] No, don't ring the bell! No.
[DOOR CREAKS]
Mrs. Prozak...
Teddy. Oh, um...
Right here on the table is just fine.
Are you all right, Mrs. P? Your door was open.
I didn't get to it yet.
You ought to be careful.
That crazy psycho struck again, did you hear about that?
Good, good.
It's so late.
Anyway, you got eight pounds of ground chuck
you got 12 pounds of pork chops,
and you got three dozen hot dogs.
Whoo, you guys must really like to barbecue.
Well, you know, meat is an important food group.
Right, right, you are what you eat.
Here.
Thank you Mrs. P. See you soon.
Bye.
[SIGHS]
Dinner again.
How many ways can I serve raw meat?
I could wrap it around a stick like a Popsicle.
I could wrap bacon around it.
Wendy? Wendy. You're sleeping on chopped meat.
Hon, where's Eric? Honey?
The door was not locked.
Oh, I just didn't get to it yet.
Honey, I left ten hours ago, where's Eric?
He's in his crib--
He's not! I just checked.
Oh, no...
He's up.
I know. He's not in his crib. I--
No. I mean he's up... there.
[ERIC GURGLING]
Whoa. Look at that crib!
Would you look at what he did to my grandma's swan painting!
Get him down.
Hello, baby. Dada brought a surprise for you.
Yes, he did. Yes, he did.
Come to Papa.
[ERIC SHOUTING]
Ah, that's a good baby, yeah, come on.
My good baby.
Eric, check this out.
[ERIC GRUNTING]
[CHUCKLING] That's my little linebacker.
It's okay, baby.
Daddy loves you.
Mummy loves you too, she's just a little tired.
You nap now.
[DOOR SHUTS]
You know honey, I think he's got your father's nose.
What? Whoa!
That's not what I meant. Oh.
I'm just so nervous
ever since he got Aunt Darlene's ear.
Now we warned her about leaning over the crib that way.
Did he give you a hard time today, honey?
He did nap.
You know, I've been thinking.
Maybe Eric would sleep better if--
if, you know, you held him more.
You could put him in one of those baby slings, you know.
I was reading about bonding and uh...
You left that in the crib.
Oh, it doesn't matter.
The point is, a baby needs to feel close to his mother.
He needs to be held and carried,
that way he feels secure.
Now according to the experts,
a small child needs--
Small but dense.
Honey, I know he can be an armful sometimes--
Louis, I'm just no good at this.
Maybe I'm not cut out to be a mother.
No, you're great.
Honey, look what you're making for him.
That is beautiful.
Hey, we could add raw egg around the side, make it look--
I'm just doing it because I feel guilty.
He makes me crazy, Louis.
He doesn't sleep and he gets into things
and he's always fussing and I never know what he wants,
and I'm just so tired.
Honey, it's just all so new.
It'll get easier once he starts to talk. You'll see.
You got to see him sleep, he looks so sweet.
Come on, take a look.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
Where is he?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
WENDY: What if he got out?
Out of the house?
What if someone sees him?
So what?
The neighbors will see him, our child, and they'll panic.
And after they panic, they'll organize.
The PTA will burn a cross on our lawn.
And then one night, they'll come for us.
wearing Lederhosen and those little hats with feathers in them.
Carrying torches and chanting in German.
And they'll scream for our baby and our blood.
And they'll never invite me over for coffee or,
or Tupperware parties.
We'll have to put the house on the market
and the market is flat, Louis,
it's flat, flat--
[SUSHING]
It's okay, Louis is here.
I know what's wrong.
It's a hormonal thing.
Can you see that, hormonal thing?
It's called postpartum depression
and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
[ERIC GIGGLING]
Come on.
Eric! Come on out, Eric.
There's nothing wrong with my boy. He's just--
A 36-pound fanged carnivorous mutant that's all.
A special child.
Oh, try telling that to them at the birthing center.
That special child nearly killed two midwives.
They acted unprofessionally.
I know it's not his fault, Louis.
Let's just find him.
Yo-hoo!
Wendy, your door was unlocked.
Babs, this isn't a good time.
Oh, please let me come in, hon. It'll only take a moment.
You've been here a month and I still haven't seen that baby.
Where is our little bundle of joy? Can I see him?
Maybe later, Babs. Thanks so much for coming over though.
That is such a cute dress.
Well, if it's a bad time...
Eric?
Come on out, baby.
Babs!
Wendy, I completely forgot.
I have a little something for Eric.
Do you think he'll like it?
Oh, he'll just eat it up.
WENDY: Thanks. This is really very sweet of you, Babs.
BABS: Look, I know he's sleeping.
But just a peek, please?
I must see that mystery child.
I won't wake him up, I promise.
Well, okay.
Just let me see if he's awake.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[ERIC GURGLING]
Excuse me?
Excuse me.
Oh, look at him.
What a handsome boy.
Is he a good baby?
Well, he has his moments. Like now.
BABS: Oh, my dear.
I think he has your mouth,
with that little rosebud.
God, are you a rascal.
Quick. We can hide in the basement.
I'm really sorry I can't turn on the lights. I just don't wanna wake him.
Oh, I remember, my dear. It's such a blessing when they sleep.
Yeah.
Thank you. I must tell you
what Ms. Bogenta told me.
Come here.
BABS: My God, do be careful. It's getting out of hand.
Really, Wendy, you got to be on your guard
especially now with the little one.
Louis, did you hear?
The slasher struck again last night, three doors down.
The Slathropes.
They were away, thank God,
but the policeman told me that their furniture looked
like it had been dusted with a chainsaw.
No one was hurt?
The cat.
They found the body in the backyard. They coulddn't even...
Well the vet had to identify it by dental records.
That's terrible.
Senseless brutality. Why do people do things like that?
I have no idea.
Inadequate love.
WENDY: What?
All kids need and deserve love. That's what the books say.
It's the kids who don't get it, they grow up to be these...
serial killers.
Or these morning DJs.
Love is the key. I believe that.
Now you take little Eric for example.
Louis! Babs, you must excuse us.
You know, I believe you're right about that.
I knew a child like that who was shunted from home to home.
Not properly loved. It was very sad.
What happened to him?
Well, now he's a clerk at the Motor Vehicles Department.
Good night, children.
Babs, why don't I walk you home?
Oh, thank you Louis.
WENDY: Be careful.
I'll look outside. I'll look in the locker room.
Nothing. He's not in the house.
I'm reporting him missing.
No, wait, honey.
What if it's Eric?
What?
The psycho.
Honey, today wasn't the first time I left him alone.
I just get so tired and...
and you know how he likes to chew.
Wendy, what do you expect? He's teething. It's a phase.
He's always teething.
He's three months old and he's got 37 teeth.
He was born with teeth.
Richard III was born with teeth
and he was the king of England.
And a play by Shakespeare.
Richard III was a hunchbacked homicidal maniac king.
What if Eric is the--
No, no, no. That's crazy.
Eric is just a big overactive kid.
That's all, he never hurts anything.
Not intentionally.
Wendy, he's just a baby.
So where is he?
[SCRAPING NOISE]
Oh, hi!
What's this? Is this a fur hat?
[ERIC WIMPERS]
Hats don't have tails.
It's an ugly fur hat. With feet.
And a dog collar.
Louis, this is Mrs. Murkins' scotty dog.
[INDISTINCT TALK]
Did that nasty dog attack my baby, huh?
All right. He jumped into Eric's mouth and clamped
Eric's jaw around his neck.
Why not? Suiciding dogs.
It's been documented.
Tell that to the ASPCA.
You don't have to spell it out, honey. He can't understand.
Louis, last night while Eric was out,
somebody or something destroyed the Coomers.
The family, the lawn furniture, the myna bird.
Someone had to shut that bird up.
Louis! What?
It was Eric.
No. My baby would never--
Louis, face it.
Last night, when Babs and I were in here,
cooing over a leaky Lisa doll,
Eric was out shredding the Coomers.
Then he picked up Mrs. Murkins' dog,
ripped off its head and dragged it home.
So why can't you love him back?
What?
It was an offering to you, Wendy. Can't you understand?
He's asking you for your love.
I do love him.
I'm the one that wanted a baby.
You wanted a sports car.
Okay, so here. You take him.
Now, what're you gonna do with him?
[ERIC WHIMPERING]
You see? You see?
I don't want him to hear us arguing.
Go to sleep!
[ERIC WAILING]
Louis, I do love him.
I try.
But you know, sometimes I think...
well, what if he's not our baby?
This is the hormones talking.
Birthing centers make mistakes.
Maybe it was a mistake.
Sally Tankwoods delivered that same night, remember?
What if she switched the babies?
She has beady eyes and pointy teeth.
That's it. You know, if it's not my baby...
I don't have to love it.
I won't listen to this.
Face it, Louis.
He doesn't look like us.
He's a Tankwoods.
Untrue. He looks just like your dad.
Ah, don't say that.
I'm going outside.
Don't leave me with him. I need some fresh air.
You're never here all day long--
I work.
Great excuse.
Well, go ahead, escape.
Just don't come home without any meat.
Who says I'm coming home?
You like to eat, don't you?
I'll feed you, Eric.
You don't have to go marauding through the neighborhood.
I wish I knew what you were thinking.
Are you thinking?
Do you even know who I am?
[ERIC MUMBLING]
I wish you could talk.
It might make things a lot easier.
[ERIC MUNCHING]
Give Eric, give.
Eric, if you're just gonna play,
you're not really hungry.
Time for bed.
[WENDY GRUNTING]
[ERIC CRYING]
Eric, don't cry.
I fed you, I washed you, I changed you.
I'm sorry. I just can't do anymore.
Go to sleep.
[ERIC WAILING LOUDLY]
[KETTLE WHISTLING]
Louis?
Eric.
Hi, Mrs. Prozak.
You left your door open again.
Teddy! What are you doing here?
I saw your husband leaving early.
Do you have any pets?
I like pets.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm here to work, Mrs. Prozak.
I'm the guy, Mrs. P. It's me.
The Coomers, the Slathropes.
I'm the one.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[ERIC WHIMPERING]
I'll admit they were a mistake.
But I'm learning.
I mean they were good practice, but they weren't...
Sexy.
I mean, take the Coomers.
You knock off some 50-year-old guy
with big fat gut, who cares?
You are buried in the back page.
You know what I need? Hot victims.
Because hot victims make hot press.
You want the press to jump,
you got to do like movie star,
or prom queen.
At least somebody that works out.
But I'm not a movie star, Teddy.
I'm all out of shape, I really let myself go.
But you're a young mother, it's the best.
Nothing warms the heart of the general public more than a baby with its mother.
It's built into the species.
It's a survival thing.
Yeah.
You and your baby Mrs. P.
You're my ticket to the show.
[ERIC WHIMPERING]
It's nothing personal. It's strictly demographics.
I like you.
I always thought I could talk to you.
You can talk to me now, Teddy.
I can listen, I got lots of time.
I know what you're trying to do.
I don't have time right now.
I got to cut you and the kid up.
Why? Why're doing this?
TEDDY: My whole life, nobody ever cared about me.
Now they care.
Plus, I just don't want to deliver meat the rest of my life.
[WHIMPERS] Please.
Don't worry, Mrs. P.
I'll do it good.
This is a major statement for me.
My manifesto.
Oh, what do you think of this name?
The Silver Slicer.
What is that? A kitchen gadget?
No! No, it's me. My name.
My tag, my MO.
Who else is here?
Nobody.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
[ERIC GROWLING]
[TEDDY SCREAMING]
Get off me! Get off me!
[SCREAMING]
[ERIC MUMBLING]
Eric. Oh.
What a good boy.
Mummy loves you.
Wendy. Honey, are you all right?
We're fine.
You're holding him.
What happened?
I'll tell you about it later.
Welcome home, Louis.
I love you.
I love you, Wendy. I love you both.
Oh, look, honey.
He's sleeping.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]